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Resentment at parents. How to stop knocking on a closed door
Many adults, embarking on the path of self-development, undergoing psychotherapy, or simply visiting counseling with a psychologist, begin to blame their parents for not liking them.
Many adults, embarking on the path of self-development, undergoing psychotherapy or simply attending counseling with a psychologist,begin to blame their parents for not liking them.Or offended, or were too hard, or, conversely, indifferent, or even for something. But the essence of the charges is the same: the parents were not sensitive enough to the needs of the child and caused him pain.
Many difficulties in adulthood are the result of childhood injuries.Injuries, most often caused by parents or other people important to the child. As a rule, these injuries were not intentional. And when these difficulties and injuries are worked out in therapy, indignation towards the offenders is inevitably born. This is a natural reaction of a person - to become indignant and angry if he is offended.
But the fun begins further. Conventionally, I divided customers into two groups:
- Those whose parents DO NOT acknowledge their responsibility for the harm done.
- Those whose parents admit that they were wrong in something.
Those clients whose parents admitted that they were imperfect parents quickly find solace, forgive parents and build new relationships with them. This is usually a very warm and trusting relationship. It is curious that they are beginning to take their mistakes more calmly, to take more calmly the imperfection of their partners and children. Their psychotherapy quickly gives its fruits.
But those clients whose parents DO NOT admit that they were in something wrong, may be stuck for a long time.
It always surprises me how parents begin to shift the responsibility onto the children. The daughter says, “Mom, you beat me. How could you! It was cruel! ”And the mother responded,“ You yourself drove me, with you it was impossible to do otherwise. ” A child in that period was 5-10 years…
Or: “Mom, why did not you take me to the dentist. Because of this, I lost half of my teeth and now I have to make dentures, because nothing else will help. And it is expensive and very painful. ” And my mother answered, “I took care of you so much, and you only reproach me! You should have gone to the dentist herself, so why didn't you go! And in general, you are ungrateful! ”And the girl at school age was afraid of dentists, like fire, especially she was afraid to go to them alone, without parents ...
As a psychologist, I understand thataging parents from the last force trying to maintain the perfect image.Perhaps they are afraid that by admitting that they were wrong, they will turn out to be completely untenable, like parents. And thus lose the respect of the children. Yes, and in the culture we have taken that it is impossible to get angry with parents, parents are by definition ideal and always right.
Therefore,if your parents insist that they did everything correctly, it’s you who are bad (ungrateful), crazy or something else like that, then leave them alone.It is useless to try to prove something to them, only to spoil your nerves. And for their nervous system this is a blow. And your relationship with them will worsen it.
I understand how it hurts and how I want them to finally hear and understand you. But, most likely, this will not happen EVER. Therefore, you will have to cope with your pain without their participation, alas ...
While you are in captivity of insult and anger, it is impossible to grow up. You can look like an adult, an accomplished person, but inside you can remain a child whom you have not yet witnessed and this wound still hurts.
To get rid of resentment and personally grow try to start asking yourself the following questions: “Why do I need my parents to admit they were wrong?” “What will it give me?” “Why is it so important to me?»
If you think well and answer them honestly, then you can clarify something important for yourself.
It is very easy to get stuck in this situation for a long time and take offense all my life, poisoning the existence of oneself and one’s children. And you can go to a psychologist or psychotherapist. A professional always has his “set of tools” for such cases. It will definitely help to get rid of pain and resentment and live peacefully on.