The problem of neurotic relationships is that a person does not receive pleasure from life.
Psychologist, the permanent author of the project "Snob" MikhailLabkovsky held a lecture-consultation "On Relations: From the Neurotic to the Healthy," in which he explained where the sources of neurotic relations are located, how to act if you are involved in such relationships, and why some couples live happily ever after, while others break up .
How do neurotic relationships arise?
What is a "neurotic relationship"? If you just explain, it's a relationship where you do not get joy and pleasure. Although Freud would have joked about this, saying that a person, even when suffering, also takes pleasure out of it. We know that many people are in such a complex relationship. But at the same time, judging by the fact that they continue to be in these relations, they apparently get some sort of masochistic pleasure there. And this is not just a boy-girl relationship. It can be relationships between close people, relationships with parents or relatives and even with colleagues at work. In general, your relationship with the world can be either healthy or unhealthy. Here are the unhealthy and are called neurotic.
How are they formed? The child loves mom and dad, well, or who he has. He does not just love, but especially up to three years, loves uncritically, considers them part of himself, and himself as part of his parents. But, for example, my mother sent the child to her grandmother, and she went to work. Or Dad drinks, and they always yell. Or he has cold parents, and he feels unnecessary, misunderstood and so on. In all such cases, his love is very rigidly associated with a certain suffering: fear, a sense of loneliness, misunderstanding and so on.When he grows up, he looks for a relationship in which this love can manifest, and it can manifest only if he suffers.
Love is the experience of children's emotions.And therefore, when a person is really somethingclings when there are any feelings, these feelings are absolutely analogous to his childhood experiences. In order for him to experience them, he needs two things: a person who he will have these feelings will awaken, and such a relationship with him, in which he began to feel sorry for himself. Because a child, suffering and loving his parents, first of all pities himself. He is sorry that it is so unfair to him that he is not loved, he is not treated well, his brother is loved more than he is, that another child is valued more than he is, that he is not accepted as he is, that he is poorly educated, and in general, he will grow up a complete monster, because he hunches his back and puts his elbows on the table, and holds the fork with the wrong hand. Unfortunately, this is all for the rest of his life. So, neurotic relationships - this is it.
You met a young man. You have a romance, you even slept with him, after which he stopped calling altogether. For a healthy girl this is the end of the relationship, she, of course, can cry after that, but further it is no longer interesting. And for a neurotic, this is the beginning of a great love. Since her love lies in the fact that she should feel sorry for herself. There you are, the girl, it's funny, but your neighbor does not: her dad forgot about her birthday, she's working on it now. She was very crying, and my mother said: "No, he's just in a drinking bout, he'll remember later, daughter." But in fact, he was sober, he just had another family, and he forgot about everything else. Therefore, it will bother. In fact, there are at the reception of such married couples. But these people often live in conflict. Moreover, they live for a long time, 20 years, 30 years. They do not like the way they live, but they do not change it.
And how many women turn to drinkershusbands? We have to upset them, say that their husbands are healthier - they just thump. And the fact that they drive them to doctors, psychologists, they treat and save, they say they will leave, and they slam the door - this is a much bigger problem. The husband only thumps.
The biggest problem of neurotic relationships: a person does not receive pleasure from life. Neither from children, nor from spouses, nor from life at all. This is the whole tragedy of neurotic relations. Because a child who, as it seems to him, irresponsibly loves his parents, likes, already starting to suffer.
What does a healthy relationship look like? A person loves someone who loves him. The other is not interesting to him, the end of the story.
Who is to blame and what to do
You grew up in a loving family, but you still becameneurotic. Who is to blame for this? Parents should not be blamed for two reasons: if they were stewing about you and pounding needles under their nails, then they are just sick, inadequate people with whom you have nothing to ask. If they are just such people - neurotics, aggressive, cold, insecure, - what's the use of being offended, they are not themselves to blame for this. Parents are as they are, and no matter how hurt you are, they can not offer another childhood.
And then, the child could get at the age of one and a halfmonths with some kind of illness in boxing without a mom and get out of there completely neurotic. Mom has nothing to do with it. The child could be afraid of the dark. These are children's stories, not related to parents at all, but related to diseases, leaving the child alone, with anything. Living beings are very fragile mentally. Our neuroses are not necessarily the consequences of parental action. There is genetics, heredity and so on.
You acknowledged that you are a neurotic, that your parentsneurotic, that the relationship is neurotic. What to do? First: try to do what you want. When you are faced with the choice of how to proceed, you have different motivations: that's right, I promised it, it's in good conscience, it's logical, but I like it. You should always choose the option that you like, whatever the consequences. It will bring pleasure to you and other people. But if you know for yourself some pathological inclinations, then you need to go to the doctor.
Second: do not do what you do not want. This means that you can not tolerate anything for the sake of anything: neither for marriage, nor for peace on earth, nor for money. The third rule: you should always say, if you do not like something, do not hold anything in yourself.True, it is worth mentioning what it is worth talking aboutabout myself: "I do not like". It is necessary to avoid the phrases: "You are a goat" - it's hitting and "Why are you so with me?" - this is a complaint. Neither one nor the other is suitable. It is only literally "I do not like", "it hurts me", "I'm uncomfortable", "I do not want".
Love and libido
Our ancestors created a family where emotions were notincluded at all. The family is a religious institution that is called upon to support the community. And the criteria for choosing a husband and wife were: health, prosperity, the background and so on. But in the Middle Ages for the first time there was a choice to marry for love. What happened today? Of course, you are happy that you marry for love even on a complete ugly person, you love him. Unfortunately, love, unlike rational choice, the sphere is unstable, and the marriage is absolutely not adapted to such instability. As we say today: I love, I want to have a family with him. And then everything depends on the psyche. This is the question that interests you all: why do some families live long and others leave.
It all depends on how much your psycheis stable. Someone calls a compromise the secret of his long marriage. Bullshit. Compromise is bad for health. Compromise is to do what you do not want. And the real reason is this: when a person has a stable psyche, then he has a stable relationship. If he is internally stable, structured, his psyche is not just like a neurotic, but absolutely healthy and mature, then he can live with a healthy person all his life, he will not be bored, and the attraction will also be his whole life. And due to mental instability today I love one, and tomorrow another. That is, everything depends on the psyche of both in the pair.
In addition to love, we also have libido. This attraction is absolutely unconscious, not related to the qualities of another person. Girls can relax about this. Three things do not play a role in choosing a partner: age, appearance and character. Because this all is in no way associated with libido. And then someone bothers, the breast makes itself, but everything is useless. If you apply logic when choosing a partner, then you get a rational choice. But your emotional sphere is not involved at the same time. And such marriages, unfortunately, are flawed, nobody there likes anyone. But if a man in general is such that he does not need these feelings, the woman will still look for her, how to fall in love with her on the side. That is, rational choice of a partner is not an option.
But to change the libido, that is, change the attraction- The task is very difficult, but solvable. What is it about? A person is constantly drawn to something bad. Women are drawn to some scum, men are drawn to bitch women. Everyone understands everything with his head, but still pulls. Attraction occurs only to this type of people. With this you can do something, but this is a very complicated process.
Questions to Mikhail Labkovsky
How can I explain the situation when a person appears in my life who shows sympathy, but does it cause a feeling of fear and a desire to escape?
This means that you are afraid of relationships, in childhoodyou, apparently, threw. Fight this fear is not necessary, you just have to be prepared for the fact that everything can end in different ways, including sad. Wider shoulders, above the nose.
In the depths of my soul I really like strong status men. But I'm very afraid of them and choose weak and unworthy partners as partners. And it's scary to approach a strong man.
One thing needs to be understood: what is important in life is what a person does and feels, not what he thinks. It's a strange idea, but it's true. Your actions - this is what you really want. And what you are speculating to imagine, has nothing to do with reality. What we choose is what we really need.
If a neurotic relationship is a diagnosis, is it necessary to treat it?
Do not. It does not work in the format "I am sick, and I must be cured, otherwise I will die." These are not diseases, but so-called behavioral problems. Although neurosis, of course, life does not extend, but the word "should" I would not use. You must yourself want to change it. The correct question is: "Can I get rid of this?" You can.
By the way, many oncologists believe that cancer isconsequence of repressed emotions. True, cardiologists will say that if you constantly yell, it will lead to a stroke, and it is not known what is worse. When a person worries, his blood pressure starts to increase at the time of anxiety, which increases the pressure on the vessels, which become more fragile with age. Cardiological diseases are congenital only in a small percentage of patients, and all others receive their strokes only from neuroses, that is, from a mental problem.
Are neurotic relationships necessarily mutual, and is it possible to get rid of the neurotic nature of the relationship while remaining in them?
If the pair are both neurotics, this is without options. A healthy person will not be in a relationship with a neurotic. When I am engaged in therapy, one of the couple seems to be cured, his psychology changes. And, as a rule, neurotic attitudes become uninteresting to him. If both of them are cured, then the couple can keep the relationship, if someone is alone, he usually leaves them.
I really like to love those who live in another city or even a country.
You fill up the sad ranks of lovers marriedmen. You have the same problem: to love what you do not have. You love speculatively, hypothetically. Here a whole bunch of probable causes. This is a story about people who either did not have a father, or the pope, perhaps physically, was, but was not present in their lives. With this, nothing can be done, but we must do with ourselves - to change psychology. A healthy person wants a normal relationship, and whoever says anything, with normal love, people want to live together. If things are different, they are neurotic relationships. If you want to change the situation, you need to realize that this is not love, not relationships, but that's how other serials look, and you call back and write, you have entertainment that.
I grew up in a loving family, then quietly blended into a loving family with my husband. How can I stop being afraid of being abandoned, and what should I do?
This is infantilism. You need to grow up. If you have a difficult relationship with your mother, you call her not because you want to talk, but because "onage", then there is only one thing behind it. The fact that my mother will die before you, and then you will live with it. And you, because of the fear that you will not stand this sense of guilt, are ready to endure and call, and nod your head, although you do not like your mother. When you talk to her, you are afraid of her death. But parents want you to talk to them not because they will soon die, but because you have a real need to talk with them. That is, that you call them not because they are afraid, but because they feel like talking to them. But for this they need to grow. When we talk about the claims "Mommy then, Mom," you behave like a child who is all hurt, all in pretensions and really with Mom is not set up to talk. And after an unpleasant procedure, when you parents put a little bit into place, forcing them to communicate according to their rules, after that you are already an adult, and your mother is an elderly woman. And not "I'm a five-year-old child, but this is a mother who treated me as a child and now does not let go." When you outgrow your father and mother and become a really grown-up person, you have a smart relationship, a soul in your soul, call back five times a day, and nobody is afraid, no one is offended.
What if my work spoils the mood and I bring it home?
If someone is bothering you, he is stronger than you. The only one from whom it can be taken is your child. All the rest should raise the question: "Is it that I'm so weak?" When you are a strong person, when you are sure of yourself, it's very difficult for you to lose your temper. That is, no one nerves at work will not shake you. That is, there will be some people who will try to emotionally shake you, manipulate you, provoke you, but you will not be hurt.
He leads me to hysterics, and I'm smart and beautiful. How can I force myself to abandon him?
People never give up what they like.I quit smoking when I told myself that I did notI like to smoke, but I have dependence. So you have to tell yourself that this is not your relationship, not love, but the problem is this. As long as you think that you like, you have such a difficult relationship, you do not have to give up, because you like it.